40 Days of Grace

40 Days of Grace

So it’s 1am and I’m laying awake in bed and praying once again for a dreamless sleep, and once again I think about how my anxiety reflects my recent (or maybe chronic) inability to trust God.
I think about how-
~Christ died for me
~Christ loves me as his Bride
~Christ has grace for every time I am hurt and every time I hurt others
Lately, it’s been painstakingly difficult to live like I believe these truths.
So I’ve decided to do 40 Days of Grace.
I will blog every day for 40 days about the unique way(s) I have experienced God’s grace that day.
I’m actually looking forward to this, because I know that I will always have something to write about, and I’m hoping it will shift my focus from incessant worry and sadness to increasing humility and gratefulness.

Rearranging Resolutions

I’m not one to tackle New Year’s resolutions. Maybe it’s fear of failure or intimidation. But looking back over 2011, I see things I wish I’d done, but didn’t. So this year I’m determined to accomplish a few things.

Here is what I jotted down in my journal to start on my personal goals:

In 2012, I want to achieve. I want to prosper. I want to create… cultivate eliminate grow love … I want… I want… I want…

The more I wrote, the more confused I got over what my goal should be: plain and simple. As I re-read my journal, this verse came to mind.

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the LORD.” ~Isaiah 55:8

I laid my pen down and paused to hear God’s take on this verse … and my resolutions. I imagined Him saying: Your goals are so vast. I see what you want, but there is ONE main focus you need to consider…

You see, my long list of “wants” is exciting for a new year. But my wants make it difficult to focus on the one thing that’ll make 2012 a success: time with Jesus.

So I simplified my goals, shifted my focus and wrote this simple prayer: Lord, help me see the one thing You want me to focus on this year. Help me put aside all my dreaming and take up Your priority for my life.

Then I merged my goal and His for 2012: Allow the glory and purposes of Jesus to increase in my life while my personal agenda decreases (John 3:30).

Life moves quickly. Once we start a New Year it’s difficult to stop and evaluate where we stand. I’m hoping my one simple goal will keep me focused. I’m looking toward 2012 as a year of excitement and success based on the Lord’s plans for me, rather than the grand concoctions I dream up.

Hope you’ll join me…


Something else…

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you, declares the LORD… {Jeremiah 29:11-14a}

Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. {Colossians 3:1-2}

Psalm 118:24

In my mind’s eye I see the sidewalk outside my third grade classroom. Twenty or so macaroni picture frames are laid out in a line. It wasn’t the elbow macaroni, that would have been SO 1980's. This was 1990's and we used seashell pasta. Cause we were modern. And sophisticated.


They were spray-painted a metallic gold that made me feel rich and hurt my eyes. I liked it. The golden seashells were glued to a square made of popsicle sticks and green yarn was attached for hanging on the Christmas tree.


Pop a third grade picture of me in the middle — awful haircut, crooked teeth, striped sweater — and you’ve got one fine Christmas ornament.

I got to help my cousins with their x-mas tree and my little cousin had an homemade ornament that she made in school.That would remind me of my elementary school years. Of the safety of childhood. Of the security of being nine. {I also needed an excuse to spray-paint macaroni.}


Do you know I mean? That childhood feeling, “If I could just go back to when I spray-painted macaroni, my life would be SO much easier.” For most of us, elementary school was an easier time — no bills, no worries about changing the oil or washing clothes. I didn’t wonder if or when I would marry.


My biggest worry in Third grade was not breaking any pieces of macaroni on the bus ride home.


Tough life.


And sometimes, I’ll be honest, I would give anything to go back {minus the poodle haircut because y’all have NEVER seen a thing like it — plain awful}. I want to feel the comfort and safety of life as a kiddo. In my heart, I don’t really mean that, but there are days I wish my deepest concern involved pretty pasta, not the size of my bank account.


I’m reminded of one of those scriptures that gets plastered on every object {probably even ornaments}:


Psalm 118:24, “This is the day the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it.”


I need to remember how true this verse is. TODAY is the day the Lord has made. Today I’m an adult. Today I can be thankful for the cares I have for it means I’m alive. Today I get to rejoice and be glad.


Christmastime brings a sense of nostalgia, allowing us to reminisce about times {bad haircuts} gone by. And I hope and pray, now that Christmas has passed, you’ll take a minute and be glad for today. Whatever your today looks like.


Rejoice in today. Fondly remember yesterday. And spray-paint macaroni whenever you get the chance.

I am truly a quote fanatic!  Here are some of my favorites, sorted by “Loving God” and “Loving Others”, the two most important commandments. Let me know which ones really stood out to you or if you have any favorites you think I might enjoy as well:

Loving God

• “Living for Jesus means not living for yourself. Your work should be a reflection of the One you’re living for.”
• “Daily I choose to allow God’s love for me to triumph over my insecurities and to replace my inadequacies with merciful forgiveness.”
• “Live as though Christ died yesterday, rose from the grave today, and is coming back tomorrow.”
• “True faith does not contradict its words by its conduct.”
• “We have to pray with our eyes on God, not on the difficulties.”
• “For every step you take toward God, God will take a hundred steps toward you.”
• “Faith is taking the first step even when you don’t see the whole staircase.”
• “The secret to life is not found in consuming, but in being consumed- consumed by a passion for God.”
• “We are destined to shine- not unto ourselves, but as reflections of the glorious One. When we do what we were created to do, we discover joy- the pure joy that comes only from living out our ultimate purpose.”
• “If women would testify about Jesus with the same amount of passion and enthusiasm we do about new shoes, new recipes, new sales, new diet secrets, then our testimonies would rock this world with God’s grace.”
• “Seeking first the kingdom means passionately pursuing our relationship with Jesus Christ and passionately pursuing his agenda instead of our own.”
• “The best way to stand up before the world is to kneel down before God.” 

Loving Others:

• “Just think: When we decide to help people in need, we may be God’s answer to their prayers.”
• “If God can look at us in all of our sinfulness and still love and accept us, how do you think we should look at others? Look past the things that don’t matter, and start seeing people with God’s eyes.”
• “Love is more than a noun-it is a verb. It is more than a feeling- it is caring, sharing, helping, sacrificing.”
• “Beginning today, treat everyone you meet as if they were going to be dead by midnight. Extend them all the care, kindness, and understanding you can muster. Your life will never be the same again.”
• “The crazy part about God’s heart is that he doesn’t just ask us to give. He desires that we love those in need as much as we love ourselves. He is asking you to love as you would want to be loved if it were your child who was blind from drinking contaminated water, to love the way you would want to be loved if you were the homeless woman sitting outside the cafe, to love as though it were your family living in the shack slapped together from cardboard and scrap metal.”
• “Jesus commanded us to love our neighbor, and our neighbor can be anybody. We are all created in the image of God and we are all sacred valuable creations. To treat people differently based on who believes what is to fail to respect the image of God in everyone.”
• “Ultimately our gift to the world around is hope. Not blind hope that pretends everything is fine and refuses to acknowledge how things are. But the kind of hope that comes from staring pain and suffering right in the eyes and refusing to believe that this is all there is.”
• “Carry out a random act of kindness, with no expectation of reward, safe in the knowledge that one day someone might do the same for you.”
• “If you were arrested for kindness, would there be enough evidence to convict you?”
• “We know nothing of the trials, sorrows, and temptations of those around us, of pillows wet with sobs, of the life-tragedy that may be hidden behind a smile, of the secret cares, struggles, and worries that shorten life and leave their mark in hair prematurely whitened, and a character changed and almost recreated in a few days. Let us not dare to add to the burden of another the pain of our judgement.”
• “Each time a man stands up for an ideal, or acts to improve the lots of others, or strikes out against injustice, he sends forth a tiny ripple of hope, and crossing each other from a million different centers of energy and daring, those ripples build a current which can sweep down the mightiest walls of oppression and resistance.”
• “Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.”

Life Ramble

 I know that it has been quite a while since I last blogged. I have learned that well… Life isn’t all it’s cut out to be. It has it’s ups and it’s down. But, you have to embrace those ups and downs and learn from them. You can’t just sit back and mope and make people have pity for you. You have to put those things that are hurting you aside and live. You only get one life, and that one life isn’t that long. You have to do everything that comes your way. Yeah, you might get embarrassed, but in a month…no one will remember. You have to do what you feel is right. You can’t worry about other people. Just live life how you would want to live it. Don’t follow examples, make them. Let people follow in your footsteps. Sometimes, you just have to dance around your room and look like a fool. Other times, you just have to sing as loud as you can, even if you do sound bad. You haven’t lived until you’ve danced around in your underwear. And most of all…You need to laugh. Never go a day without laughing, or at least smiling. It doesn’t matter if you have had the worst day, If you just laugh, everything will be ok. For the most part, just be you. Don’t listen to others. They are going to make fun of you. They are going to tell you that you are stupid. But that is their opinion. It only becomes true when you start to believe it.

Symbols

We choose what will be our symbols in life. Sometimes we will share a common belief and understanding of our symbols. Other times our symbols will be personal and held quietly with our hearts. Why do we choose the symbols that hold meaning to us? Symbols tell a story without words, oftentimes holding so much meaning that it would take a volume of books just to tap into a general understanding of what lies within. My symbol that I hold dear to my heart is a butterfly.

Free spirited

These two words hold so much meaning, more than their individual words could ever contain. We say that we fought for our freedom, and that is what our flag stands for but how many times do we see situations when that freedom is breeched? We state that we our spirits are free, but we live in lifetimes that are defined and limited. When I think about the concept of being “free spirited” I too find the rebellious image of a teen who does “their own thing”, but that image isn’t at all free. Being free spirited has a deeper meaning, and I believe that we express being free spirited through a combination of focus and action.

Our “time” here on the earth is broken down into moments, and we do not always invest ourselves wisely in those moments. We do not need more time, we need more of ourselves in our moments.

Captivating

To be captivating, what does that mean? To be captivating is to draw attention to ourselves or some focal point. There are those who choose to captivate by pushing their “story” in the face of others. This approach is painful and depleting, and does not allow us to grow because all our energy goes into supporting the story, not ourselves.

To be “captivating” can also mean something completely different. We can be magnetically captivating, so richly embedded in our own experience and message that others cannot help but be drawn to that light. We do not drag them or force them into our story, instead they are attracted to us freely and willingly.

Both approaches are similar because they both hold onto a belief and connect two or more people that share that belief. The difference between those two approaches lies in the outcome. Does the story you share with others deplete or nourish? Is it a hiding place that allows you to continue to say, “See, I told you it would turn out this way”, or is it a place where you can express your hearts desires and create new ways of sharing your dream?

The Butterfly is very symbolic in nature. I choose symbols that lead me to thoughts that make me stronger, and I choose to give at least a few minutes of my time to giving my energy and awareness to the supporting meaning I choose to see in those symbols.

What qualities in ourselves can we see in the butterflies? Small yet amazingly capable; free spirited yet captivating.

We choose the symbols that guide us and hold meaning in our lives. Our symbols can speak for us and allow us to sleep-walk through life, or they can give us the tiny glimmer of light that helps us re-awaken.

I'm in Awe!

 I Just got done work about an hour ago at my summer job in the Pizza Place. It's pretty late and I'm tried.

Why am I awake, you might ask? I have no good answer. Too much thinking to be done. Also too much caffeine consumed to not be crabby while I was working today. Lately I have been feeling tried and not very people friendly but as this hot night goes on I start thinking about the people that have been in my day today.
There are a lot of people in the world who are worth loving. Every person you meet on the street has something about them that makes them lovable, no matter who they are, because they are a human being, a child of God. Isn't that just amazing to think about? I think so. We all look different, we have different stories and different places that we have been in the world. It saddens my heart to think about how lately I've been hearing on the news of the world been at war, people dying, and riots starting all for the control of power. When I say power I'm talking about good and bad power. People fighting for there lives and freedom. Some fighting to control people and treat them unfairly.

There are so many interactions we have day to day that it's easy for me to forget that as complex as I am, and as little as I know of myself, the person who made my sandwich at lunch today is JUST as complex. The person I talked to on the phone, the one I took orders from, the person gave me a smile while walking by them, the person who checks my pulse. Each is an entirely whole human beings with more to know than can possibly be known. It's so crazy to think that we are very complex that everything in our bodies work together so we can do the simplest thing such as point or finger. As I'm typing this out I'm thinking to myself how many muscles I'm using in just my hand alone. This is another reason how I know deep within my heart that there is a GOD who created me and loves me. He put all my systems in my body to work as one. It just simply amazes me tonight and I'm not sure why. It might be the caffeine talking over but I guess I just wanted to say that...

I am in awe.

Summer Camp

Lately I have been thinking about how summer camp is going to start up and all the girls that I had last year coming back and having an amazing summer again. My heart is longing to be there and touch the lives of many girls. After a life changing summer last year this summer feels strange. I feel like I'm not doing all that much and that my life is just moving along and I'm doing the same thing over and over. Lately I have been playing the sims and as I go through my daily routine I find myself thinking that I am a sim. I feel very blessed to have the summer I did last year, even with all it's hardships and heartbreak. God used me in a way that was self discovery and help the youth I was working with. My prayer for this summer is that yes, I am here is Medora, ND for a reason but I believe that this summer I am supposed to be a person who supports summer camp through prayer. I pray that every kid's heart will be touched in a way that 20 years from now they will remember the moment they felt God's love for the first time, If that is where and when God has planned for them. I prayer that summer camp can be a place where youth will remember to leave there old lives behind and start living a life that has hope, grace, and love. That they can come for a week and know that they are loved and take that back and affect there broken homes and schools and friends. That summer camp and be a place where they give up drugs, drinking, sex, swearing and make a long life friend. I pray that the youth will come to know the truth about Christ and how he has done a beautiful things for there lives. I pray that each and ever leader will be given a heart of kindness and patience. I know that sometimes you just want to get more sleep or not deal with kids but know that you are expending the kingdom of God and being servents to his children. I pray that God's Holy Spirit will flood your heart and that your light will be so bright the kids will ask question and that you will allow the spirit to work through you to answer those questions. I prayer that every leader starts there day in prayer and end it in prayer. That they will really know they are making a difference in youth's lives, even the ones who don't want to do the activites. I prayer that the leaders will be open to change in there own lives as well and keep daily in the Word. I prayer for the cooks and housekeepers that they keep good attitudes and serve with there whole heart. I prayer that the weather will be great and that in every situation will be a positive one. I pray that the parents hearts will be shook up now to send there kids to camp and will be open to hearing about what happen at camp when there youth come home. I pray that everyone will be protected. I pray and thank you God in advance for everything you are going to do this summer, for the lives of many will be changed, and for loving all. I miss camp dearly but I know that here in ND I can still support camp and go even further by supporting all camps sharing the love of Christ. Have a blessed summer!

Weight of Words

In my twenty year, I've learned a few things. The one that seems most applicable, today, is this: words can cause cannonball size holes in the heart. Whatever idiot said "stick and stones can hurt my bones, but words will never hurt me" was an epic moron. He (or she) must never have had a broken heart, heard the phrase "I don't love you (anymore)," or felt the impact of the permanent version of the word goodbye.... 

Words hurt. In fact, sometimes, a punch would be more welcome than a verbal swiftest of nuclear proportions. Words can eviscerate, deftly; they can thrash old bruises and explode old wounds. Words can take a weak moment and change into a dark one; it's easy to push it a little farther, from bad to worse. Words tip the iceberg, sometimes with nothing more than a lazy-seeming sentence. 

There's an old saying—and I'm paraphrasing—that people can't hurt you, unless you give them the power to do so. Honestly, that's a fallacy. It means that as a kid, if other kids tease you, you're somehow supposed to be superhuman and not care. It means that as an adult, if you get up the nerve to ask someone out and they say 'no,' you're just not supposed to be upset. But, when you get down the reality of it, you don't give people permission to wound you; we're all varying degrees of fragile. We've all got secrets and painful memories. We have personality flaws and things about ourselves that tend to ache on rainy days. Nobody's immune to words. 

I've said unkind things in the past, but I generally try not to be a bitch (unless you screw with someone I care about; in which case, you're pretty much wrecked). I can remember the crappy things that have been said to me, over the years. It's not like a keep a written record of them, but words have a habit of sticking around—even when we claim to have forgotten. And with the words, come the old feelings and emotions. The softly creeping pangs or the sharply stinging reminder. 

In my less charitable moments, I find that all words yield broken promises, miscommunicated truths, and heartbreak. It's so easy to dash a hope, or drown a prayer; it's the act of callous heart that refuses to consider the consequences. I suppose that humanity (as gross a generalization as that is) is an egocentric race, at least at times. We think without speaking, or (worse) we are deliberately cruel. 

There's no snazzy ending to this post. I'm just…having a moment. 

Life's Stage!

This is something I wrote Mar 2008. Hope you enjoy! :) Note: This was before I was a Christian.



Life!

There are No rehearsals for life. There are no scripts by which to prepare. There are no textbooks to tell us what's next. We live life as it comes, and in this regard, our first rehearsal is the show itself!! To this end, we must believe in something that gives our lives meaning. We, too, must recognize that our purpose lies not in the words of man or in the text of a book. We do this in order to cherish our lives as they present themselves. Should we avoid this task, life will either creep by painfully or rush to.......... its finale. I am not that religious, I like to think I am but really I'm not. So my purpose for living isn't to earn my way into paradise or to connect myself with something greater. My purpose is much the opposite! I've realized recently that I have no purpose here. I do not believe I will one day become a great leader of hope or a figure of history. Nor do I believe my life will be remembered beyond a few generations after my death. I come to this conclusion right now….!



My Story
I live for ME!!All I try to do is live one day at a time and hope that I’m a different person than I was a day before. I think were each here to help one another be a better person, learn from others and try and achieve what the last couldn’t. Be inspired to create the next great work of art. Become the next person who actually stood up and let her voice be heard. I frequently awe at the wonderful things around me...The stage upon which we play life inspires me. I wonder about our existence. Why and how we love, hate, and ignore. Why everyone hates being alone and are picky about whom we hang with??? How u really describes feelings to someone you care about?!?! I do not live because I think I should. I live because....I want to. I live to smell flowers and sing random songs. I live to humiliate and pride myself on my accomplishments and failures. I live to try to love others as I want to be loved. I live to play the music of my soul to ppl…so maybe I can help someone out w/ what they are going though...who knows?? I live to see little kids smile :-) I live to taste chocolate and pretend to take myself seriously. I live for friends and Memories But more than anything, I live to feel that silly little thing we call happiness. I'm here to be happy about my falls from grace and my tragedies. To be happy about becoming a better person and to be happy about living. We are human beings. We each have within us the potential to become a sign of happiness no matter what life deals, no matter what scars we suffer. At the end of my story, I will die happy. Not because I did or didn't experience happiness, but because I had the chance to. And that's all the purpose I need. Why are you here?!?!?!